Man’s hook-up manifesto paints vague actions as sex invites

Blogs written by college guys about how to get laid aren’t funny — but it’s frightening that many guys’ thought processes mimic the author of this blog, which details the top seven characteristics of a “promiscuous princess” — but its original title “7 Ways to Spot the Slut” is so much more descriptive.

Katy at Jezebel did a fantastic analysis of this piece, and I’d like to add to some of the points she made.

The most important thing to note is that the author, Jonny Valamehr, uses a disclaimer about how not deregatory the word “slut” is:

 […] when I say slut, I am simply referring to a woman who is ready to be sexually adventurous and looking to hook up. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Men and women alike have every right to identify what they want and go after it in the realm of dating.

Except that just because you say “no offensive” before then spewing offensive remarks doesn’t negate that you said something offensive. I can say, “Now, when I say you’re a pansy, I’m referring to a guy who is really feminine and delicate.” I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, but I’m smart enough to know that the word “pansy” is so loaded with negative connotation that trying to reverse its meaning in one sentence is impossible.

Even if this guy had the best of intentions in trying to redefine the word “slut,” his ideas for “finding” these women are, as Katy points out, basically blueprints for committing sexual assault and rape. Find women who have been drinking, doing drugs, are alone — but some of the scariest (and creepiest) points are the ones Katy leaves out.

One of his suggestions is to look for girls who are alone at parties, because:

[…] a woman coming alone to a social function is the most tried and true flag that she is looking to have a great time and forget her woes.  Most women are rarely found alone at social gatherings such as night clubs, so if she puts herself in that situation, she is well-aware that she is looking to meet and chat with some new people […]

So even though he decided to forget the stereotypes earlier in the post — he was redefining the word slut and being so empowered! — that was only momentary, because now we are back to the old “if she goes to a party alone, she is looking to hook up.” Because of course A) she wasn’t invited by a friend who perhaps doesn’t share mutual friends; B) she isn’t new to the college or town and trying to just make friends; and C) women can’t go alone anywhere. They always travel in packs and only separate for mating purposes.

Or maybe she just wants to go to the bar for a drink — it’s not uncommon for people to do so they aren’t inside a quiet apartment, but it doesn’t mean she is looking for sex. She might just want a margarita and good music.

Another piece of advice?

Women often do not like when another woman gets all the attention and is willing to throw herself at guys.  If she likes to sleep around, why would she want to get verbally harassed about it?  This is where the guy friends come into play.  They understand her needs and desires, and are totally cool with it.  Some even think that hanging around her may result in some sexual play.  And a lot of times, it does – trust me.

I think Jonny is trying to say that a woman surrounded by a lot of guys must sleep with all those guys. And women probably have no preference of who they sleep with, right? I mean, as long as you’ve got a penis, she has no consideration for physical attraction, STIs, your intoxication level, your relationship status, nothing — women who like having sex are obviously all nymphomaniacs.

And also, his assumption that only men can understand the female sex drive is laughable — sure, women can be judgmental, but a fair amount of women are sexually “adventurous” and don’t judge each other about it. And although Jonny wants you to “trust” him (um … right), many women — adventurous, not adventurous, in relationships — have a lot of guy friends, and we don’t just surround ourselves with them because we want a constant selection of sex partners.

But this one has to be by far my favorite, in response to a woman asking a man if he wants to hang out later:

HELLO?!?!?  Do I even need to elaborate on this?  Short of, “FUCK ME NOW”, this is the most obvious sign she is ready to roll on to the good times.

Really?? I can’t even ask if you want to hang out without it being assumed that I want to have sex? You can’t even make a study date with a guy without him assuming you are asking for sex. What’s worse is that a guy might actually read this and take it to heart, which is a really scary thought in the realm of sexual assault and rape — any suggestion of being alone with a man somewhere is assumed to be a sexual contract.

Also, if you don’t wear underwear, you’re a slut — although people go commando for comfort, for health reasons, and for environmental reasons (less laundry/clothes to buy).

I hope this column was written in jest, but I fear that it was sincere and that a lot of guys identify with this author. Men generally think women are confusing and send mixed signals, but Jonny’s interpretation of these signals is COMPLETELY off-base. Plenty of women go to the bar without a posse, hang out in a group of guys, don’t wear underwear, and suggest hanging out later.

And no matter what, none of these characteristics trumps consent — the one true sign you need before hooking up with any woman.

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